The small s in BDSM

I have been into BDSM actively for approximately ten years to varying degrees and before that I was interested in it but didn’t really know what it was or why I had the thoughts I had. I have learnt over those ten years that I am a masochist, defined as “someone who obtains pleasure from receiving punishment”, and above all other things that has been the guiding principle of my BDSM life up to this point, or in fact I should say up until 361 days ago.

Now don’t get me wrong, the pleasure of pain is always going to be a big part of me and my lifestyle but since meeting my current Mistress I have come to really appreciate the other aspects of BDSM, the Domination and the submission, these parts have become more a part of my life now than they ever have been in any other relationship I have had.

Of course I have “submitted” my entire life, I’ve “submitted” to being fucked in the pussy, fucked in the ass and fucked in the mouth. I’ve “submitted” to being tied up, whipped and caned and “submitted” to doing some truly disgusting things that most of you already know about. In fact you will read about some more of them when I finally finish writing about that party of Mistresses, it was certainly a fun party!

What I’ve come to realise though is that I’ve never really “submitted” to anyone, not really. Submission is defined as “The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.” and whilst on the face of things I have done that on many occasions, too many to count in fact, in actual fact I was only ever doing what I wanted to do. Yes it was under the direction of another but they only ever had control because I let them have it for that brief period and then I took it right back. I think part of that is because of my deep rooted self preservation instinct, I have let my guard down before and regretted it almost immediately afterwards and sometimes that regret has lasted a long time.

Mistress says I try and Top from the bottom on a regular basis and She is right, I do, I always have done and my previous Partners, Mistresses, Masters, Boyfriends and Girlfriends have all let me get away with it, I was the sub but I was in control all of the time, until now.  Mistress Kayleigh, my current Domme, is the first person in ten years to point this out to me and more than that, She is the first person to pull me up on it and show it to me and try to beat it out of me (metaphorically!). She has recognised this flaw in my submissive behaviour and is actively trying to “fix” it in me, and I want Her to succeed, more than anything.

It is illuminating, I don’t want to do my past Partners (…etc etc) an injustice, I treasure the time I spent with (almost) every one of them but what I have come to realise is that they weren’t Dominants at all, not to me, they were just sadists who used me for their pleasure and I was just a masochist using them for my pleasure. We both got what we wanted but there was nothing more than that, nothing deeper, nothing like what is developing between myself and my Mistress.

The last few weeks have been hard, work has been extremely busy and stressful, Mistress has been doing exams, then I was ill and now I am half way through a two week business trip away from Her. Finding time for “play” has been difficult and to be honest our bedroom activities have been decided dull of late which is part of the reason for the lack of posts, I have to be in the mood to write and of late I haven’t really been there. The thing is though, it’s OK, our relationship has grown stronger through it and I feel like we have a stronger bond than I have ever felt with anyone, without trying or making any conscious decision we have fallen into a 24/7 D/s relationship.

That doesn’t mean I sleep in a cage every night and sit at Her feet all the time waiting for Her next command, it just means that She is the absolute most important person in my life and She is considered in almost every decision I make. As I write this it is actually just occurring to me that it is really not that different from any other loving relationship, apart from the fact that I do sometimes sleep in a cage and am often at Her feet waiting for my next command!

Sorry, this has been a bit of brain dump of things that have been swirling around in my mind whilst I’ve been spending so much time on my own. Amongst all of the tales of butt plugs and nipple clamps I just wanted to express how this Person, this Domme, this Mistress is different for me and how I am feeling about things at the moment. Don’t worry, I won’t be making a habit of this “touchy feely” writing and normal programming will resume, I really do need to write about the party!

So other than teaching me how to be a real submissive Mistress and I have been looking into a few other things which we are eager to try. First of all I have been talking to someone on CollarMe who is a hypnotist and she has helped me with placing post-hypnotic triggers in my mind. We have tried this a little bit using a video which puts you in a hypnotic state and then implanting commands with some success and when I get home we are going to try it for real. The first thing we are going to try is for Mistress to implant a trigger that prevents me from orgasming without her giving me a specific command, it is the ultimate in orgasm control and we are both very excited to try it!

Some of you will be sceptical and so am I to a point but based on my research and speaking to this hypnotist I have come to believe that it is real. The way she described it was that you are subconsciously allowing yourself to be hypnotised and for the triggers to be planted and if you weren’t willing and happy to let it happen then it wouldn’t work. Fortunately, I am feeling more submissive at the moment then I have ever felt in my life, specifically towards Mistress and that is why I believe this will work.

For those that are interested you can try out the hypnosis video that Mistress and I used here, have a listen if for nothing more than she has a really hot voice! (might be more one for the subs though!)

I will let you know the outcome, and I promise, party write-up to come soon!

5 thoughts on “The small s in BDSM

  1. I have a Canadian dom friend who is very into erotic hypnosis with his two slaves. It sounds very, very cool.

    I’ve only really had one relationship where I reached this sort of level of submission, where everything was for her even when we were traveling and a continent apart. Even though we only did TPE for one six-month stretch early on, for the rest of our 11 years together we were informally in the same sort of 24/7 d/s relationship you’re describing. My trust in her was so absolute that it allowed for things like the eyeball story I told here once, where I submitted without question to something totally terrifying simply because she wanted me to, and she knew I’d be OK with it when it happened – which I wasn’t sure of at all! Only in retrospect do I realize what a rare and intense connection we had.

    That you’ve gotten to this place in your relationship with your mistress in under a year is amazing and a cause for celebration. I hope the two of you have many happy years together!

  2. First the mechanics. Yes you can be hypnotised and if done properly it can be everything you want it to be. Your mistress will have control. The longer and more often it is practised the stronger the control.
    As a sadist i agree that I meet women to scratch the itch and in most cases the sub/slave is a willing victim and gets exactly what they want from the situation. Who is dom/sub is open to debate. After all, a safe word gives absolute power to the sub, No power exchange going on there in reality!
    I have recently come out of a 1 year relationship, during that time a vanilla as well as kink bond formed. As the vanilla relationship moved forward the “bedroom” activities become more and more extreme to the point most people simply would not understand. it has been the best year of my kink life to date. Shame it had to end with vanilla issues.
    Be happy. good luck with your mistress.

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