If anyone is interested in helping me test this new site and has time to do so and respond in a reasonably timely manor please could you contact me: firstname.lastname@example.org
If anyone is interested in helping me test this new site and has time to do so and respond in a reasonably timely manor please could you contact me: email@example.com
I got back from a holiday in Portugal with Mistress a couple of days ago which is why I haven’t posted in a while. I could have posted while I was away but decided to just relax, in fact I spent a full four days whilst there without wearing any clothing at all, it’s quite liberating!
I like to read and specifically I like to read BDSM stories which is what got me into writing my own. From the very early days of my exploring BDSM I did this on a website called bdsmlibrary.com which I am sure many of you will be familiar with. What you may not know is that new stories have only been added there once since April 2017 and that it doesn’t look like the site will be maintained any longer.
I was quite dismayed to discover this as that site was a staple for my entire adult life and a great outlet for many talented BDSM writers out there. There are lots of comments on the forums about the seeming abandonment of the site and I have tried to contact the owner through various channels with no response.
So I decided that I would try and carry the torch of bdsmlibrary myself and set up a new site that caters for just the “stories” part of that site, i.e. not all the other commercial stuff that is on there. I did talk about this on the bdsmlibrary forums but that got me a swift lifetime ban from the forums which I am quite upset about as I was only trying to help the community and a few people were quite receptive to the idea.
The new site is currently under construction which may take a little while as my coding skills are very out of date (it’s years since I did any) and it is quite a lot of work, I’ve mentioned before that I am very busy haven’t I?! Mistress thinks I am crazy for taking on the project but I think it is something I could really give back to a community who really helped me through some lonely and unfulfilling times in my life.
The site will be called The Fet Library and I will update you when it starts to take shape as I will need as much help as possible to get the word out and get people using the site.
That’s all for now, Lo xx
I tend to write posts about my general life or about specific sessions or scenes that Mistress and I have but today I thought I’d write about a few different, smaller things that Mistress does just to torment me, just because it’s fun.
Once or twice a month Miss has to travel for work, it’s only usually for one night, sort of midday until the next afternoon depending on where she is going, usually a European city. One time she decided that I should stay in the house while she was away and she decided to ensure that I would do so.
About ten minutes before her car picked up her up she produced my locking butt plug, two padlocks and a very long length of metal chain. She took me to the post at the bottom of the stairs and had me pass one end of the chain around it and lock it together with one of the padlocks. Then she had me bend over on the stairs and after using my pussy to lube up the plug she pushed it into me.
A couple of side notes here, firstly my pussy is almost always wet and is nearly the sole source of lubricant for us. Secondly, even closed this plug is quite big and is painful to take, when opened up it feels like you have a football in your ass!
After opening the plug she put the lock onto it and attached the other end of the chain to it and so I was attached by a fifteen metre chain to the post at the bottom of the stairs. There was no discussion about it and I knew better than to question or plead with Miss about it, ten minutes later she was gone.
This wasn’t a major torture although having something that large and heavy in your ass for a long time is quite distracting, it was more of an inconvenience having to trail the chain around with me whenever I wanted to move around the house and sitting in my office chair was a bit uncomfortable but I did have several video meetings whilst I was chained.
That was a fairly mild version of this. Another time is was much more challenging when I was attached in the same way but with a much shorter chain. My wrists were cuffed and attached to a chain that went between my legs and also attached to the plug. I could really move from the bottom of the stairs for just under forty-eight hours.
I was left with a large bowl of water which was too big to lift with my bound hands so I could only lap at the water, a metal dog bowl and a few cans of dog food and a PAYG mobile phone because she wanted to be able to talk to me but not for me to sit there on youtube or tumblr.
It was a bit uncomfortable and the dog food was disgusting but other than that it was just really boring! The highlights were when she called a few times, when the post man came and I got to read the mail and when the paper she had arranged to be delivered arrived, although it was The Sun (a terrible tabloid) which she found the most hilarious part!
Although I am quite a healthy person in that I do plenty of exercise I’m not so good at looking after myself in terms of what I eat and drink, although it has improved since I started cooking for Miss Fiona because she likes to eat healthy and I eat what she wants.
Anyway, to help with this Mistress started to leave me a bottle out in the morning with real, not from concentrate!, fruit juice in it and there was an unspoken understanding that I should ensure it was finished before the end of work, one of my five a day!
This was fine for a couple of months until one day I was in the office and took a drink of my “apple juice”, it was not apple juice and in my surprise I almost spat it out onto my desk. Morning pee is not quite as sweet and tasty as apple juice.
Just like before, nothing was mentioned about this, my bottle was empty when I got home and the next day I had some pineapple juice in it. This happens every now and again, sometimes it is subtle and I hardly notice it, my mango juice is just a bit “off” that day due to Mistresses added ingredient.
About three weeks ago I had a long day of meetings including two with clients and one with the partners of my firm. I had complained to Mistress the evening before that it was going to be a very long and boring day.
Mistress needed to be at work early that day so she left whilst I was still in the shower and it was only after I’d get dried and done my makeup that I went to my underwear drawer and found it empty apart from a pair of latex dildo panties.
The dildo was pretty huge and gave me a very full feeling once I was wearing them. I put on my suit and looked completely normal apart from the blush in my cheeks. I had to practice walking in them for a little while so that I looked completely normal and then I went on with my boring day with my pussy full of rubber.
When I got home I was immensely horny, when the panties came off they had a pool of juices in them and Mistress immediately had me kneel and spread my legs for her. Her fingers felt amazing on my puffy swollen pussy and I actually believed I would get relief right up until she ruined my orgasm and I was left panting and moaning and horny.
The final thing I wanted to recount is when Mistress announced recently that she had booked me a spa treatment as a surprise for “being such a good girl”. I’m not a little but it does give me a lovely feeling when she speaks to me like that.
I arrived at the appointment ready for a massage or a facial and happily announced my name to the receptionist. She replied with a slightly odd smile and said “Oh yes, for the intimate peel?”, my eyes narrowed as thoughts of what that could mean swirled through my mind and I nodded.
There was a consultation first where the woman explained the procedure to me and then she left while I got undressed from the waist down and hopped up onto the table on all fours.
It was somehow even worse than being in this situation in a sexual context, she spread my ass cheeks and applied an ointment all around my ass hole then told me to stay put for ten minutes and then she would come back and “clean me up”, it was mortifying!
Anyway, that is all just some of the random stuff that goes on in my day-to-day life and I must admit I do love it. I love the unexpectedness of it and feeling of being controlled that she keeps present in me even when doing random mundane tasks. She is truly an evil genius of a dominant.
A few years ago I saw a video of a wasp being held between some plastic tweezers and then being pushed against a girls clit. It was a close up shot that didn’t show anything except her pussy but you could hear her screams as the little fucker stung her clit, actually leaving it’s sting in her.
Watching this made me so wet, I’ve been stung by a wasp before and I know how much it hurts, not just at the time but for hours afterwards as the initial burning sting turns into a dull ache that last for ages. And that was just on my hand.
The other day, Friday, I was reminded of this video whilst discussing other things with someone on Tumblr. The discussion had veered towards a subject that I used to enjoy and practice when I was single, ways to implement torture that is “automated”.
When I used to do a lot of self bondage all of the ideas and stories I read had a strong focus on safety and making sure you had a way out of the predicament if you needed it. I completely understand the reasons for that and if someone ask me for advice I would probably say the same thing but for me the best self bondage scenes were when I didn’t have a way out or any way to prevent the things happening to me until the scenario had played itself out.
My main tool for achieving this was a my timer locking padlocks, sadly both now broken, and a plastic timer locking box that was actually intended for locking your chocolate chip cookies away and I got off Amazon.
Some of the things I did were definitely not advisable but I like to play on the edge of advisable! An example is one time when I restrained myself in a dog cage having secured the business end of a curling iron inside my pussy. Once I was tied up I couldn’t escape, the keys to the locks that held me were in the lock box and wouldn’t be available for a few hours, I was living alone and in an upstairs room where no one could see in so I was 100% at the mercy of the timer box (this is when you wonder if you should have changed the batteries first!).
I wasn’t completely reckless, I’d tested how long the curling iron took to heat up to wear I could still hold it in my hand and then how long it took to cool down again. A scheduled plug socket (also from Amazon) was then programmed (and thoroughly tested!) to turn the curling iron on for that specific length of time before turning back off to cool down, and repeat.
My pussy, being obviously much more sensitive than my hand, felt like it was cooked from the inside out every time the curling irons heat built up inside me going from a little warmth, to hot to almost unbearable just before the clicked off. There was a noticeable drop in the sensation as soon as the heat source was removed but they then cooled down slowly only to click back on.
By the end of the four hours that I’d set the timer for I’d shed several tears and was desperate to get them out of me. My pussy was raw and sore for days and it was still painful when I was fucked over a week later, not that I let on.
All that is an aside to demonstrate my deep interest in tortures that can’t be undone once they are applied, things that can’t be relieved by begging, pleading and empathetic dominant or even a safe word. Other examples are saline injections, chilli on sensitive parts etc. I love the feeling that what is happening to me is inescapable and no matter how much I want it to stop it isn’t going to and I’ll just have to take it.
So anyway, this is how I got on to talking about the wasp stinging video and my idea for a way to do it. This was initially a self bondage idea but as that is no longer necessary for me it played out a little differently.
First of all Mistress had me take a shower after work and then she came in and cleaned me thoroughly. She washed my hair for me and then ran a soapy shower puff all over my skin, over my pussy and up between my ass cheeks ensuring every part of my skin was clean before using a shower douche attachment to ensure both of my holes were just as clean. It was very intimate and humiliating and got us both in the mood to play.
Whilst she showered I dried my body and hair, put on some cuffs and then minimal makeup and was kneeling by the bed when she came in to get herself ready. She dressed in some skinny jeans and just a bra and tied her hair back still wet, no makeup, she looked stunning.
After pulling me up onto the bed she laid me on my back and straddled me whilst she lent forward to attach my cuffs to the bed posts then slid off and pulled my legs down so my arms were taught. I laughed, because it tickles a bit when my arms are stretched too far, she just smiled and said “You won’t be laughing in a minute sweety” and I felt a warm flush run through my body. It’s amazing the effect she can elicit with just a few words!
She retrieved some larger cuffs and strapped them tightly around my upper thighs and then clipped my ankle cuffs to them to put my legs in a frog position and then used ropes to attach the thigh cuffs to the bed slats just above where my waist was. The effect being that my legs were spread wide and pulled up so that I was completely immobile and my pussy was totally exposed. It is such a vulnerable position to be in and it invokes delicious feelings inside me waiting and wondering what she will do to me next.
As it turns out she strapped a ball gag into my mouth (which she probably should have done before I was completely immobile and unable to lift my head, just saying) and then left me there for a couple of minutes returning with the small glass that I had trapped a wasp with an hour earlier, she held a piece of paper over the top of it and then flipped it over before placing it on my stomach and saying “Don’t lose him” before disappearing again.
I watched the wasp sitting happily enough in the glass whilst trying not to move and tip the glass over. I’m not scared of wasps but I don’t really like them, I think they are aggressive and will sting you for no real reason other than they want to. Mistress returned with a flogger and without any ceremony began to flog my tits.
The flogger is heavy and after a few of the stronger strikes begins to grow in sensation, my whole body begins to warm and I involuntarily pull at my wrist cuffs but I’m going nowhere. My helplessness feels amazing and I bask in the masochistic high as my tits redden and burn under her attention.
I’m breathing heavily when the flogging ends, I realise I’ve been pushing my breasts out and I know I am wet but she runs her fingers along my pussy and shows me the wetness anyway. She likes to remind me how much I love being at her mercy and being treated this way. Amazingly the glass is still upright on my stomach with the wasp just chilling out.
Mistress holds up the clit pump, it’s a little glass tube with a plastic connector on one end, a removable tube attaches to that and has a little hand pump on the other end. She pulls my lips apart and finds the perfect spot for the tube, squeezing the handle a little to pull my clit and its surround flesh into the tube just enough to hold it in place. A couple more pumps on the handle is all it takes to pull my clit into the tube and the weird intense feeling of having your clit force-ably engorged start.
She let me experience the sensation for a minute or two and then released the vacuum and pulled the tube off me with a slight pop. I know you’re thinking my clit was now swollen up to the size of a brussels sprout but it doesn’t quite work like that, after only a couple of minutes of being pumped it just goes back to its usual size, albeit more sensitive and maybe a little swollen.
I watched intently as Mistress first tried to tip the wasp into the suction cup, then jiggle it in and eventually use the piece of paper to knock it in which seemed to wake it up a little. She held the paper over the end until it settled about half way up the tube.
Very gently she then placed the tube back over my clit and pumped it a little to get it to stay in place. I held my breath when she did this but the wasp didn’t move at all until she gave the handle another faster pump, then it sort of buzzed around a little and landed back where it was. My clit had been sucked a little into the tube now and the wasp was about a centimetre from it.
She was being gentle so as not to suck the wasp into the vacuum mechanism (or whatever) so she gave it another little squeeze pulling my clit closer to the black and yellow little beast but it still didn’t move.
Mistress decided to try a different approach and fired up a little bullet vibe and touched the tube with it, several things happened at once. The vibrations shot through the tube and through my clit, it was intense and I gasped into my gag but then a crazily intense searing pain burned into my clit and my eyes flew open.
She later told me that the wasp immediately took flight when she touched the tube with the vibrator and tried to land on the other side but then flew straight onto my swollen clit, landed and stung it.
You know when something hurts you scream and shout and swear but when something really hurts you can’t even make a sound? It was like that, my whole body tensed and every limb pulled on it’s bonds trying to get to my pussy but Mistress is good at bondage. The pain was so very very intense and just seemed relentless.
Mistress said that she only realised it had sting me because of my violent reaction but then she looked closely and could see it’s sting embedded in my clit and it just kept it there rather than retracting it.
I’m speculating here but I think what happens when you get stung normally is that you swat at the area and the wasp makes a run for it, either retracting their sting or losing it in the escape attempt. This means that the sting only delivers a small percentage of the venom it is capable of. I don’t know if this was a particularly evil wasp, was pissed off at being put in this position or what but it just sat there delivering more and more venom into the most sensitive part of my body and it was excruciating!
After more than a minute of my writing and pulling at bonds Mistress pressed the release button and pulled the tube off, the wasp immediately flew away but it didn’t stop the burning, stinging sensation that was permeating my now quite swollen clit. She wasted no time, she had the magic wand ready and it went straight on to the little bud of fire.
Now I was screaming! I can’t explain the intense sensation of it, it was so unbelievably intense pain and pleasure all bundled up. At first I just wanted it to stop and was shaking my head and pleading with her to stop but then that gave way to something else. It was still agony but at the same time an orgasm was building, I could feel it starting just under the burning pain and as she slipped her fingers inside my very wet and very hot hole my head stopped shaking and my protests waned.
My arms and legs were untied from the bed but left in their frog position before Miss climbed on top of me once again, this time without jeans and as my own swollen and burning clit throbbed I sucked on hers until she came on my face.
It was difficult to sleep that night, the pain didn’t subside much for hours and even the next evening it was still sore and aching but there was nothing to do except endure the pain. Mistress has already told me that she wants to do this again and has a plan to “enhance” the strength of the sting, I really do not think it needs enhancing but she didn’t ask for my opinion!
We are six months into 2018 already, where did that go? It’s been a fairly busy year for me so far though so I thought I would catch you up on the progress of the goals I was set at the beginning of the year.
However before I do that, a few people have mentioned to me that although they enjoy reading about the various goings on in my life they miss the more graphic and sexually oriented posts that used to be more common on here.
I understand, I know you want that stuff but there are two problems. Firstly I have been pretty much posting every week for this whole year which is a massive upswing on previous years. The problem with posting that much is I need to find things to write about and there just aren’t enough sessions to fill up all those posts. Which brings me on to the second problem which is that we haven’t had many proper sessions at all lately due to all sorts of other things that are going on in our lives.
The most interesting thing (from your point of view) that we have done is test out Mistresses new “cane”. Which is actually a very thin but sturdy metal bar that she decided would be good to use as a cane. The thing about canes rather than something like a panel is that they have very little surface area so if you swing a cane and a paddle with the same force the paddle will slow down as it catches the air much more than a cane. Also the force of the impact is spread over the surface of the paddle which is larger than the canes, all of which means the cane hurts more and leaves more of a mark, in my experience.
This metal cane is nasty! Mistress gave me thirty swats in groups of five and after the first I was struggling to hold my position. It’s a really stingy feeling when it hits which isn’t my favourite feeling from an impact toy, it borders on non-fun pain which is why this particular cane is going to be reserved for punishments, or so I’m told.
So, yes I understand you want more of that stuff and I have a couple of ideas of things I can resurrect from the past and write about, the “dogging week” for example, and also Mistress and I intend to do some playing soon which I will also write about, although at the moment it’s just too damn hot for those shenanigans!
In the meantime, my goals update:
This is absolutely complete now. My nipples have been transformed into beautiful little hearts via tattoos around them the same colour as my nipples, and I am so happy with how they turned out. Also, my septum has now been pierced and it currently healing up nicely. We have replaced the ring that I was wearing turned up into my nose with a small plastic thing which is stretching the hole a little wider whilst staying invisible to anyone who sees me.
This is still pending but is definitely going to happen and I’m not looking forward to it at all. There won’t be a belt or anything, just a complete lack of any sexual contact from anyone. At least it will be a break from the daily ruined orgasms I suppose!
This has now happened and I have to say I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. It’s weird because I didn’t really think about it anymore and it didn’t affect me on a day-to-day basis but I do feel…I don’t know, freer.
This is still on target and I should easily do it by the end of the year as the current count is 38 which is composed of:
Not an exciting one but I know it has had a positive effect on my mother. My sister has also started calling her on the days in between so she never goes a day without speaking to one of us. It can feel like a chore at times but once I’m speaking to her I know it is worth it.
FYI, she wants to organise the whole wedding!
This is proving a real challenge and I don’t know if I’ll be able to achieve it. At half way through the year I’ve just beat 2017’s total views (which was by far my best year until now) but I’m still coming out at an average of 483 views per day currently. Bearing in mind that 2017’s average was 234 a day that’s still pretty good, just not good enough.
This is happening, it’s a long process with lots of external factors but it all seems to be going through. The house we found is perfect, or at least it will be once we gut half of it, rebuild, redecorate and then build a proper room in the basement to deck out as a dungeon/play room. We expect to have the keys in the next couple of months.
Done, as I mentioned before the piercing is done and healing and already being stretched in preparation to take a sort of flesh tunnel thing. We are talking to someone about making that permanent, so at least very tight-fitting so if you were to look directly up my nose (why you’d want to I’m not sure) it would look sort of integrated into my nose and won’t move around. Once that’s done Miss will be able to thread whatever she wants through it, padlock, leash etc.
This still hasn’t really got off the ground although I know Mistress is going to force the issue at some point, Miss Hannah has already suggested that she can give me some pointers so I know it is being discussed between Mistress and her Dominant friends.
This is half done, I have completed a weekend with a trans person and will write about that soon. The other one that WILL be completed this year is to have a Torture Galaxy scene recreated on me. If you aren’t familiar with their work you should check it out, it is very extreme. If you want to suggest one of their scenes in the comments Miss will take opinions into account when deciding which one to undertake.
I’ve not got anywhere with this one, I sort of have a person in mind and have begun to express somewhat more liberal views on sex and sexuality when talking to them in recent weeks but I’ve not even broached the concept of BDSM to them, I’ll keep you informed!
This, I have no doubt, will be achieved in the torture galaxy scene which promises to be brutal and extreme. As depicted to the right he doesn’t hold back with what he inflicts on the girls and I know that Mistress can be every bit as sadistic.
I started a new story that I’ve been planning out in my head for a while today, let me know what you think of the setup for it. I have a definite plan of where this story is going which is a first for me, I usually just make them up as I go along and then have to go and work out any problems afterwards.
Anyway, comments are welcome as on all my posts!
Sarah slipped the key into the lock and opened the large wooden door, stepping off the street into the expensive London home of one of her employers. She knew the house well, she had been coming here on and off for the last eight years, originally as the Turner’s babysitter and now as their cleaner.
It wasn’t a huge house, the Turner’s were wealthy but not rich by any means, they were comfortable enough to have the cleaning service that Sarah worked for around once a week to tidy and clean the house whilst they were at work.
Sarah liked to clean the kitchen and bathrooms first as they were most difficult so she set to work on them. She tied her long brown hair into a tight pony tail to keep it out of her face and then slipped off her shoes, jeans and jumper. Underneath her street clothes she wore some tight little denim shorts and a little vest top, she found them much more comfortable to work in and it meant her normal clothes kept clean, plus there was no one there to see her so what did it matter? She slipped on her croc shoes and got to work.
Once the those dirty jobs were out-of-the-way she headed up the to the master bedroom to collect the laundry, she’d let the cycle run while she cleaned the bedrooms. When she opened the laundry basket there was a skimpy black lingerie thong lying on the top of the pile and for some reason rather than tipping the basket out so she could sort them into colours and whites she picked up the thong.
In her twenty-five years she’d never owned expensive lingerie like this, it wasn’t that she couldn’t afford it, her wage wasn’t amazing but it allowed her to live the way she wanted without depending on anyone. Sarah moved in front of the mirror and held the underwear in front of her crotch, it looked like it would fit her.
She smiled to herself and turned to throw the garment back into the basket but as she did she caught the scent of something she hadn’t smelt in a long while. She picked the thong back up, brought it to her face and inhaled, the pungent scent of cum and pussy filled her nostrils.
Sarah felt the warmth begin to grow between her legs and she moved the ball of black lace closer to her face until it touched her nose and then she quickly jerked it away, it was cold, and wet. An urge overtook her and before she knew it the crotch of the thong was in her mouth and she sucked on it filling her mouth with the taste of cock and what she imagined pussy tasted like and she desperately wanted to unbutton her shorts and touch herself.
Unbidden the faces of the Turner’s flashed before her eyes and she let the lace fall from her mouth as her face flushed and shame overwhelmed her. She quickly threw the underwear into the basket and picked the whole thing up to take to the laundry room.
Despite the uncomfortable warmth and wetness in her own underwear she tried to push the thought of what she’d done out of her mind and concentrated on finishing the cleaning. The last thing she did before leaving was put away the now washed, dried and ironed laundry, she left the lady of the house’s underwear until last. She put the pile of underwear away, the black lacy thong on top and left the house eager to get home and release some of obviously pent-up frustrations in front of her computer.
There are two “feelings” that I enjoy a lot, well I say enjoy but what I really mean is love/crave/NEED otherwise I start to feel…I don’t know how to describe it….”wrong”. Those two feelings are the feeling of being controlled by another person and the feel of humiliation.
Mistress controls me in a multitude of ways, there are rules that I must follow all the time and there are jobs that I must attend to so that she doesn’t have to. For instance there is a rule that I must always wear lingerie no matter where I’m going or what I’m doing because she wants me to be “dressed for sex” 24/7 and I do all of the housework and cooking because she decided that she wanted domestic service to be one of the roles I perform for her.
Those are examples of overt ways in which she controls my actions and my appearance but she also controls my behaviour. I don’t mean that she micromanages every interaction I have and friends and colleagues would hardly notice it but through her training my behaviour has definitely changed, especially when I am around her.
I think in general it can be characterised by being more aware of myself, more aware of how I am sitting, how my body is positioned, where I am sitting and also what comes out of my mouth versus what my brain is thinking. I’m not saying I didn’t pay attention to these things before but it feels sort of heightened now, she has altered the way my brain operates in very subtle ways.
I love all of this, I love that she has moulded me to be what she wants from what I wear to what I do and even to how I think. She has influenced every part of my being and I adore her for it, it is everything a Dominant should be. I know any people just want to be a dominant that disciplines a slave and concentrates on the S&M side of things and I used to be very much about that side but this relationship, this deepness of control is what I now realise I have craved all of my life. The fact that I am a masochist and she is a sadist are just icing on the cake!
However, all of the above is now just a part of my everyday life, there is one other aspect that is more noticeable to me and it gets my pussy pulsing every time. When I became her full-time submissive I gave up the usernames and passwords to all of my online systems, iCloud, iMessage, WhatsApp, Email, Tumblr, WordPress, Fetlife, CollarSpace…literally everything, her finger print is even registered on my phone. And if I sign up for something, no matter what it is, I add the details to a system that she controls. I can view and add to it but I can’t delete anything from it (not that I would).
The upshot of this is that if you have messaged me, emailed me, whatever, there is a possibility she has read it. I’m not saying she spends every night trawling through my messages but I do know she looks at them from time to time and reads anything that piques her interest. I have absolutely no privacy from her whatsoever.
The main “system” that she uses and that turns me on though is Find My Friends. I share my location with her but she doesn’t reciprocate and the way she uses it I absolutely love. Once it was set up she never mentioned it again, I’ve never seen her on it and she doesn’t ring me up and tell me she knows where I am or anything like that but I know she watches me.
It comes out in a very indirect way, for instance this lunch time I went to a coffee shop with two colleagues and about thirty seconds after I entered, whilst still queuing, I got a text from her telling me what to order. My insides were clenching up as I ordered exactly what she’d told me and when I got it I sent her a snapchat of it with just a little heart as a response, she texted “Good girl” and that was it.
It was just a small exchange but the implications are huge, she knew I’d left work for lunch, which I do at a random time whenever I am ready, and she knew where I’d gone for lunch. It’s weird, for a vanilla person it would be a huge invasion of privacy but for me all I got was a nice warm protected feeling and wet knickers.
This is not the same as embarrassment at all, I really dislike feeling embarrassed. I don’t like to be laughed at or feel like I am the brunt of some joke, I was bullied at school to some degree (nothing major) and embarrassment brings back those feelings of being excluded and ridiculed which is not something that turns me on.
Embarrassment is when someone sticks something on your back and everyone knows and laughs about it except you, I think it being non-consensual is a big part of it. Humiliation is different, for me at lease, humiliation is allowing something to happen that brings you feelings of shame.
I’ve been naked in front of strangers more times than I can count but I still get that feeling every single time. I still blush, feel the need to avert my gaze and always, always feel that warmth growing between my legs. Mistress knows exactly how to push my buttons and she has this thing that she likes to do in these situations where I am meeting someone for the very first time. She doesn’t do it every time, that would make it predictable, but often enough that I am always nervous that it is coming.
First she introduces me and it is quite normal, a shaken hand or a kiss on the cheek, that sort of thing. Then she will explain that I am her submissive, that I obey what she tells me to do. Bare in mind I don’t know the other person and have no idea if they are in the scene, just aware of the scene or are completely vanilla unless we are in a context that would give it away.
Miss knows a lot of people and we visit her friends and acquaintances quite often, I don’t know in advance if these are vanilla meetings or not, sometimes we have a cup of tea and discuss politics, sometimes I kneel naked and nose-to-nose with a complete stranger, it keeps things interesting.
Anyway, so after introductions she will tell me to undress in some way or another, remove my top of dress or jeans. She never does it for me, that would activate my submissiveness and I would be straight into that mode whereby I let her do whatever she wants with me and she is my entire world. No, she has me do it myself so that I feel the awkwardness of someone I don’t know watching me expose my body, first in my underwear and then inevitably my modified breasts and then my hairless pussy.
It doesn’t end there though, invariably I will be told to “present” a particular part of my body. These are positions which Mistress has taught me and drilled me on until I do them perfectly. For example, if I am told to present my mouth I kneel, up with my knees shoulder width apart, wrists crossed behind the small of my back, head tilted back and mouth open.
Other examples are “display your breasts” which involves pushing my chest out and cupping my breasts whilst turning my head to the side and the more humiliating “present your pussy” whereby I must stand with my legs spread quite wide, arms folded behind my back and sort of thrust my groin out at the person. That one is humiliating because it is just a bizarre position to put your body in, it is lewd, but also because my pussy is almost always glistening with wetness.
The final one is the one I find the most humiliating and therefore possibly the biggest turn on. “Present your ass” involves bending at the waist with legs spread, gripping my ass cheeks and pulling them apart to expose my asshole. I don’t know why but there is something deeply intimate about your asshole and pulling your cheeks apart to display it, feeling the air on it and knowing someone is looking at it is very humiliating for me and doing this in front of anyone, especially a stranger is a huge, horrible, turn on for me.
I say horrible because that’s what it is. I don’t know how this works for other people but for me there is a definite love/hate sort of situation going on with this side of my desires. I love it because I hate it. Inwardly I cringe every time I have to do something like this and parts of my brain scream at me not to degrade myself like this but it’s the fact that I am unable to “normalise” it that maintains the attraction I think.
Mistress found a new “cane” that she intends to use on me. It is a long and very thin metal …erm, stick, I suppose. I don’t know where she got it but it looks wicked and is going to sting so much! Here it is resting on a butt plug, no reason other than it was what I had to hand: