Ruination

Ruination

In the few weeks since I have been home from the states Mistress has discovered something that seems to bring her great joy and it is something, perhaps surprisingly, that I’d never really heard of before.

It started off one morning before we’d even got up, she moved my hands above my head and slid her fingers between my legs which opened eagerly despite me still being half asleep. She found me already a little wet (who knows what I’d been dreaming about!) and gave my pussy a few spanks for “being such a slut”, by which time I was very much awake!

After the spanks she started to circle my clit int he expert way she does and before long I was pushing back at her fingers as she brought me closer and closer. As my hands gripped around handfuls of bed sheet I begged “Oooohh Mistress please can I come?” and she said yes and I let me orgasm go. However, as I did she stopped all stimulation and just held my legs apart.

It’s a bizarre sensation, it’s like your orgasm happens but without the ecstasy, pleasure or release and you’re left feeling incredible unsatisfied and frustrated. That first time I also felt some anger boil up inside me although I didn’t show it, I just let out a panicked and sharp “Noooo!” as my eyes flew open to stare at Mistresses smiling face and she said “Frustrating isn’t it?” and then jumped out of bed leaving me panting and squirming.

I later discovered she’d done it to herself while I was away to see what it was like and had decided there and then it was something she wanted to inflict on me. As regular readers will know, whilst I was single I masturbated twice a day on average and Mistress believes this was extremely self-indulgent and completely unacceptable for a sub. Since I have been hers she has weened me down to cuming only once every other day and only with her permission, usually with her direct involvement.

I’d heard of male ruined orgasms before, basically just stop touching as they cum and their cock spasm and cums but without any continued stimulation it isn’t particularly enjoyable. The same thing for girls was new to me though and I have to say it is really horrible. Every single time I think I won’t let myself get to into it because I know she’s going to ruin it but then every time I get to a point where I’m just all about getting to the orgasm that she then ruins!

She has process for it now, I kneel with my legs spread and the palms of my hands resting right at the top of my inner thighs, basically as close to my pussy as they can get without touching it. Then she uses her expert skills to bring me to the edge, waits for me to ask and then ruins it, it’s torture quite unlike anything I’ve experienced before. It is so hard to maintain my position, my fingers just next to my clit, knowing the slightest touch would prevent the intense frustration.

On Christmas Eve, despite my Mother and Sister being in the house with us she gave me multiple ruins and I was particularly grumpy that night. Then. on Christmas morning after a massively frustrating day before she gave me a real orgasm and I had to bite the pillow to stop me screaming it was so good and I spent the day in the best mood ever!

At the moment I am getting daily ruins and one orgasm per week, it’s really hard to cope with but I am managing so far. A couple of times she has accidentally pushed me over the edge and not stopped in time, those are possible the most fun orgasms because they are naughty but not my fault, event though I get pussy slaps for them.

So that is Mistresses new favourite thing and unfortunately she is getting really good at it, I haven’t had a real orgasm all week and am looking forward to her allowing me one over the weekend, I’m smiling just thinking about it!

A few people have tried guessing which goal I have succeeded in completing already, some got it right and some didn’t but I will be writing about it soon I promise!

Foul mouth

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As you seemed to like reading about my little public correction, and as I only have time to write something short, I thought you might like to read about another time when Mistress Fiona felt the need to correct my behaviour.

I very rarely swear (or “curse” if you’re in the US), I used to be quite bad with it but I learnt to express my emotions more eloquently as I grew up and started working. However, the one time when I struggle with this is when I am playing games.

To be honest I rarely have time to do this anymore but on occasion I find myself with enough time to sit down and actually turn my Xbox on.

About a month ago I was playing a game, I can’t even remember what it was now, and I was stuck on one particular part of it. I died for the thousandth time and I shouted (I distinctly remember this part!) “Fuck you mother fucking cunt!”. Approximately ten seconds later, by which time I was playing again, Mistress entered the room quietly and out of my field of vision and said “Excuse me?”.

I immediately blushed, she absolutely hates hearing me swear, she says that it is “inappropriate for someone of your intelligence” and that “if you don’t have the vocabulary to express yourself appropriately then you should hold your tongue”. I hadn’t actually known she was in the house so thought I could express my feelings about the game in any way I wanted, I was incorrect!

At first I thought I’d got away with it because she left the room and I just continued to play my game, however five minutes later she returned with a ring gag. She came up behind me and I obediently opened my mouth so she could slip it in, She knew that I knew what I was being punished for so there was no need for any explanation, she pulled the straps tight and buckled them behind my head and I heard the little padlock close in the clasp. I was going to have an achy jaw and was definitely going to be dribbling in about five minutes but all-in-all I didn’t think it was too bad of a punishment.

Then she walked round in front of me and gestured for me to pause the game, which I did and she crouched in front of me. She brought something put to my mouth and I realise just as wedged it into the ring of the gag that it was a bar of soap that she had cut so that it would fit into and stay in the gag.

For those of you that have never tasted soap, it’s not a disgusting “get it out of my mouth immediately” kind of thing but it is definitely not a pleasant taste or sensation that it creates in your mouth. She left me to continue playing my game with the soap gag in but after about five minutes my saliva was turning into bubbly soap suds and pouring down my chin, I had to stop playing and go to the kitchen to stand over the sink.

Once I’d got rid of enough soapy spit so that it wasn’t dripping everywhere I went in to the room where Mistress was reading in the hope that she would take pity on me but she merely held up her phone which had a countdown on the screen with forty-eight minutes remaining.

I spent most of that time leaning over the sink drooling soap suds and trying to keep from drooling onto my hair or my clothes. Eventually Mistress came into the kitchen and unlocked the gag, she helped me pull it from between my aching jaws and then dropped it in the sink before turning and leaving. I eagerly washed my mouth out with water and then drank some, I could still very strongly taste soap though and would for a couple of hours.

Once I’d cleaned up the gag and put it away I went back into the room where Mistress was reading, knelt in front of her and said “Thank you for teaching me Mistress”, after about a minute she put her hand on my head and pulled it until I was resting my head on her thigh and then stroked my hair while I cuddled her leg for the next hour.

Being a masochist it can be difficult for Dominants to find ways to punish me, the usual things like spankings for example are enjoyable to me and so aren’t a punishment at all. Mistress is very good at finding ways to punish me that actually work to correct any behaviour I display that she doesn’t like and whilst soaping the mouth is hardly original she did use it very effectively in this case, I am very mindful of swearing whilst playing games now because I genuinely do not want to experience that again!

Please let me know in the comments if you enjoy these sorts of posts, it is sometimes hard for me to know what to write about so it would be helpful to know what are your favourite types of my musings!

Immediate correction


One of the things that Mistress says I “let slide” whilst I was single is my discipline towards my Dominants and it is something she has concentrated training on. Usually this comes in the form of what she terms “immediate correction” although that can come in many forms, for example humiliation or…pain. 

A couple of weeks ago I was out shopping with Mistress, we were in a well known (in the UK) high street shop and She was looking at some clothes. I honestly can’t remember what I said to her now but it was some off-hand sarcastic comment at her expense. This is part of my personality, I can be very “cheeky” and often use sarcasm especially with my friends. I have to mentally keep this in check when speaking to Mistress especially when in public as she considers it highly inappropriate for me not to speak to her respectfully in public. 

I knew I’d slipped up as soon as I spoke, her demener changed from casually browsing clothes to focussing directly on me, she walked over and said “What did you say?”, I blushed and looked at my feet but she pushed my chin up with her finger and I repeated what I’d said. She told me to spread my legs which I did despite being conscious of other people being close to us, although the clothes racks hid us well. As I spread my legs slipped my skirt up a little and then with no warning kneed me in the pussy.

The combination of the unexpectedness of it and the pain buckled my knees and I basically fell into Mistress clutching my pussy with one hand, she hugged me and held me tight and stroked my hair for at least a couple of minutes until I was ready. She asked if I was ok and I nodded so she let me go and continued shopping, nothing more was said but my pussy throbbed for the rest of the shopping trip and I was respectful every time I spoke to Mistress. 

Thoughts for the day

I went to bed last night quite happy despite having posted a fully naked picture of myself online and having only eaten porridge and drank water for every meal that day. Posting a picture of myself was a huge deal for me as anyone who reads my blog will know but it got a generally good response which buoyed my feelings on it.

I won’t up in a less good mood, I drink a lot of caffeine, possibly too much, and after drinking only water all day yesterday I was hit with the caffeine withdrawal this morning and had a bad headache. I dutifully had my horribly bland and mushy porridge and started working and then my day got even worse.

My heart absolutely sank when I saw the messages accusing me of posting a fake picture. I’ve spent years writing on this blog and posting on Tumblr and have built up, I think, some good credibility that I am who I say I am and do the things I say I do, all without posting pictures of myself. So when I finally do and that is what causes people to question my legitimacy it really hurt me feelings, I was really quite upset.

Having calmed down a bit about it I can see what people mean about the picture, there is a part of my shoulder missing and there is fuzziness around my head where the photos were edited out by Mistresses friend. It didn’t show up so much on my phone but when I looked at it blown up on a computer it was more noticeable, if I’d known I wouldn’t have posted it.

I hope Mistresses post from earlier today alleviates any fears that I’ve been deceiving you for all these years, because I would be devastated if this caused people to stop believing in me, I really would.

In other news, I HATE porridge! I only get to make it with porridge oats and hot water, nothing else and its disgustingly bland and ugh, I hate you all for putting me through this!

Attention seeking punishment

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If you don’t follow me on Tumblr you will have missed this but the other day Mistress and I were discussing why I write this blog and run my Tumblr blog. The outcome of that conversation was her deciding that I do them because I like the attention and that I should be punished for that attention seeking and that it would be fitting if the severity of the punishment was dependant on how popular I had actually made myself.

So, she had me make a post on Tumblr and based on how popular that post was, i.e. how many notes it got, the punishments would get progressively worse. She asked me how many I thought it would get and how many I thought was a fairly unobtainable goal, I said it would likely get about 50 notes and that I’d be pretty amazed if it went over 200. Based on that the punishments went like this:

  1. More than 10 notes: Ten minutes naked corner time for every note.
  2. More than 25 notes: One hour wearing one binder clip on pussy or breasts for every note.
  3. More than 50 notes: One hour wearing a locking anal plug for every note (no breaks)
  4. More than 100 notes: One week eating only plain porridge and drinking only water.
  5. More than 250 notes: One hour in my chastity belt for every note (no breaks).
  6. More than 500 notes: Post a full nude on both blogs.

So there was mixture of painful things, unpleasant long experiences and, as you know for me, the worst emotional thing I can be threatened with. However I was fairly confident that number six would never happen.

I was wrong! As the notes approached 500, helped along by what I consider to be significant cheating by commenting on the post with nonsense but that Mistress said was “your fans giving you the attention you crave”, it was queried (much to my dismay) what would happen after 500. So Mistress decided that we would start again each time meaning that 510 notes would mean a picture and 100 minutes of corner time and so on.

The final count was 615 notes which is fairly amazing and I’m pretty flattered and impressed that I managed to get that many, at the same time as being horrified by what it means!

Firstly, it means that this was my breakfast this morning and will also be my lunch and dinner, which I will eat with Mistress after I have made her a delicious caesar salad by the way!

Gruel

Secondly, it means that I have to post a fully nude picture of myself here and on my Tumblr account. Mistress chose the picture so blame her if it isn’t what you hoped for…

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Punishment

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Mistress has an amazing selection of shoes and from time to time I “borrow” a pair when I go out or even just for work. She generally isn’t there to ask for permission so I usually just assume it will be fine and to be honest I didn’t think she ever really noticed.

Then one day a while back she told me that she did notice and although she wasn’t really bothered she did say I should ask in future, it was a small off the cuff sort of comment and I didn’t really pay much attention to it and just carried on as normal.

Yesterday when I arrived home from work in a pair of her Jimmy Choo heels she was waiting for me and after forcing me to strip of everything but the shoes and forcing me to my knees  she demanded to know why I ignored her instructions and continued to take things that didn’t belong to me without permission.

It was sooo humiliating the way she spoke to me, like I was a child who’d be caught stealing sweets or something and I have to admit it was making me a little wet. I smirked a little and said I was sorry in as convincing a way as I could.

She wasn’t laughing and wasn’t impressed, it began to dawn on me that she was genuinely mad with me. She grabbed my hair and almost dragged me to the dining room before forcing me into a chair. On the table in front of me was a wooden chopping board with a hammer and two nails and a blindfold resting on it.

She told me to put on the blindfold, which I did with my heart beating pretty fast through fear and excitement over what might be going to happen next. When the blindfold was in place she told me to place my “thieving hands”, palm up on the wood.

I was genuinely scared then, my eyes started to well up and I told Mistress how sorry I was and promised that I wouldn’t take any more shoes or anything else but she repeated her command to place my hands on the wooden board.

I can’t tell you how much self-control and pure submissiveness it took to lift my hands and place them on the board in front of me. My hands were trembling and tears were running from my eyes soaking the blindfold, I’ve never felt that fearful of doing anything in BDSM before in my life.

Mistress placed one of the nails in each hand and then picked one up and placed it point down in the middle of my left palm. I could feel the sharp point digging into the soft skin of my hand as she said “Do you know why I am doing this?”, I nodded my head and said “Please Mistress I’m sorry” but she replied with “If you were sorry you wouldn’t have kept doing it and forced me into this action Lois”. I didn’t know what to say so I just bowed my head and nodded.

I was genuinely petrified as I waited with my mind completely focused on the tiny pain of the sharp nail digging into my hand that was about to burst into agony.

I sensed the movement in her body as she lifted the heavy hammer and  I sucked air in wincing in preparation as she swung it down. I jumped so much as adrenaline filled my body but managed to keep my hand still as she drove the hammer into the wooden board nowhere near my hand.

She immediately pulled the blindfold off my eyes as my brain tried to catch up with what had just happened, or rather what hadn’t happened. She pulled me off the chair onto the floor and into my arms cradling me as sobs burst out of me, It was like a massive release and I just cried for about ten minutes in her arms.

Eventually I looked up at her and she kissed me deeply and passionately and I kissed her back. Eventually she said “Are you going to take my shoes without asking again?”, I smiled and said “No Mistress” and then kissed her again.

She does so love fucking with my mind!

Sorry I didn’t finish the needles evening post, I will really try to get it done this week x

Escalations

Escalate

I don’t know if this happens to anyone else or if it’s just me but small ideas that I have just seem to escalate into these huge crazy plans!

A few weeks ago my Mistress and I were discussing various kinks over a bottle of wine, as you do, and I mentioned that I have been having thoughts about cuckolding or rather more accurately, cuckqueaning. For those that are unaware a cuckquean is a female who’s husband or partner sleeps with other people, it is basically the female version of a cuckold.

Mistress pressed me and I ended up revealing that I liked the idea of her forcing me to watch her have sex with a man and then forcing me to clean them up afterwards but never take an active part in pleasuring them or myself. This is most certainly psychological masochism on my part because I would not enjoy seeing her with someone else especially as she is 100% bisexual and I know she enjoys straight sex and only gave it up to be with me.

I don’t often voluntarily engage is this sort of psychological torture because I have struggled with it in the past but I feel so comfortable with Miss Fiona that it is something that has started to drift into my fantasies again after a long time.

Anyway, we discussed it at the time and then it wasn’t really mentioned again until yesterday when she announced that it would be happening this weekend. An old Dom friend of her’s is in the UK for a few days and he will be coming to visit us on Saturday. We discussed it at length and she reassured me that there are no romantic feelings between them and that he will be gone after the weekend, he simply enjoys sex, likes my Miss and agreed to take part in this scene. She assured me we wouldn’t go through with it if I wasn’t happy and I could safe word out of the scene at any time and it would stop so we agreed to go ahead with it.

However, whilst discussing the details of how it would happen, again over some wine, things escalated. Miss had been hoping that the chastity belt option would win the poll, in fact she voted for it herself, as I have been reluctant to wear it due to me really disliking it immensely and for some reason she has never really pushed the point, until now. She decided that as she would be otherwise engaged she wouldn’t be able to guarantee I wasn’t pleasuring myself whilst watching her and so I would wear my belt for the whole evening. Obviously I protested this because I hate wearing the belt so now I’m wearing it all weekend.

There was one other problem, tomorrow was the day we had put aside for my punishment, the punishment you chose of 655 needles being pushed into my breasts. Mistresses hated the asymmetry of having 327 in one and 328 in the other so she decided, with a large smile on her face I might add, that she would push 327 needles into each of my tits and then find somewhere “fun” to put the last one!

BoundHonestly my breasts aren’t that big, I wear a 30-32 C bra and I’m not even certain there is enough room for that many needles. Mistress intends to bind them tightly first which will make them more of a ball shape and may create a larger surface area where it is possible to push needles in. I’m quite excited to see what it is going to look like whilst quite petrified about how its going to feel to have that many needles in them, it will definitely be a first for me. I’ve spoken to a nurse (a friend who is also in the scene) and they said it will be safe as long as the needles aren’t too large a gauge but there will likely be significant bruising so I should plan on covering up for at least a week afterwards.

I’m not exactly sure what order everything will happen in, Miss will deal with those details, but I do know that my other duties for the evening include cooking and waitressesing. It’s going to be an interesting evening to say the least, I think I am looking forward to it and fearing it in equal measure and they usually turn out to be the best scenes so overall I think I’m excited!