For much of my youth I was extremely sure about my sexuality, while I held no prejudice against any other sexuality I considered myself to be completely straight right up until I was confronted with the fact, or rather that I acknowledged the fact, that I wasn’t.
In the very first post on this blog, which is actually a post from 2006 that I recovered from a previous (now deleted) blog, I talk about how I am straight but that I like playing with Dominant women because I find it humiliating to be used by another woman. By the next recovered post from 2008 I was coming to the end of my first real D/s relationship with a woman.
The years in between, my early twenties, were very confusing for me as I began to look more deeply at myself and tried to better understand the things I was feeling. The fact I enjoyed the sexual activity I had with non-females but that there was no emotional connection for me, the exact opposite to the narrative I had always written for myself. I began to understand how I naturally separate the physical and emotional elements of sex and most of all began to really understand and accept that I was different.
At the time I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about this and my blog was really an amazing resource for me to pour out my feelings and thoughts and to get feedback from likeminded people, I had nothing like that in my real life not least because I was (and still am to a degree) very private about this side of my life.
There have been times in my life when I have been suicidal just because I am who I am and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. I think it is wonderful that things like Pride month exist now and that people of all gender identities and sexualities can be more open about who they are and be accepted, I hope this move towards openness and acceptance continues and grows.
It’s because of the changes in the world, as well as the support of a loving partner, that I was able to come out to my family and friends that I am queer, something that I never thought I’d be able to do. And even go as far as to reveal the true nature of mine and Fiona’s relationship to my sister and some close friends.
It took a long time but I am genuinely proud of who I am, how I choose to live my life and who I choose to share it with so I thought this would be a good post to write during Pride Month.
In other happy news, I’ve managed to retrieve my domain and get my blog back to where it’s supposed to be!
Thank you so much for all of the kind words and encouragement I have received over the last couple of days both in comments and through my other means of contact (Twitter/FetLife), it has been really lovely and has meant a lot to me. So it is decided, I will dust off the old journal and get back to writing about some of the adventures I go on with Mistress Fiona.
I’ll spend some time making the site look pretty again (it’s looking very 2018 at the moment!) and in the meantime have a think about some things we have done that might make interesting reading.
Another short (although it didn’t feel like it at the time) thing I was talking about the other day was how Mistress uses my septum piercing. For those that don’t know I have my septum pierced and most of the time I have a small plastic spacer in it which I mostly don’t notice and is almost impossible to see unless you’re looing directly up my nose which I would hope most people don’t!
It gets used for various things, Mistress might attach a dog leash to it so she can lead my around by it, it’s had large and heavy rings in it that hang over my mouth and I’ve ben locked to objects (and people!) with a padlock through it.
On this occasion I’d absentmindedly pinched her bum as I walked past her and Mistress was not amused! She put a ring in my nose, cuffed my hands behind my back and then made me stand on a step while she hooked the nose ring over the clothes hook on the back of the bathroom door. The step was removed and I was left not quite able to put my feet flat on the floor for about two hours!
Ironically the only part of me that didn’t hurt when I was set free was my nose, I was so worried about ripping the ring out that I protected it at the expense of literally every other part of my body! My calves and thighs were agony, my neck was sore, my arms were aching and it took me a while to fully recover!
Suffice to say I haven’t pinched my Mistresses bum since and will certainly be keeping better control of my subconscious actions in future, unless of course I’m feeling particularly masochistic! 😈
I will update the links and everything on my blog when I sort it out but for those who have asked, you can contact me here on the comments, on twitter or on FetLife. For the latter of those please don’t send a friend request unless we have had at least one or two actual conversations! Thanks x
It has been some time indeed since I have written here, there are lots of reasons for that none of which are all that interesting really, the overriding one being a lack of free time and if I’m completely honest my drive to continue with the blog has waned somewhat.
Things in my life have progressed at quite a blistering pace since I met Fiona, the events of which you are all familiar with as my writing was quite prolific at the time. Since then I have a new home which I share with my beautiful Mistress, a new job ,a closer relationship to my family than ever before and on Saturday I will become Fiona’s wife, and her mine.
I almost wrote that this is the end of a long road to happiness but it is actually the start of a long road of happiness that I can’t wait to start down. I know this is a bit soppy and not really what this blog has been about but I think that is a reflection of where I am at now.
I started this blog, way back in 2006 (omg!) as a way to express a part of myself that, at the time, I kept hidden from pretty much everyone who knew me properly and only indulged with elicit activities and affairs. Later I documented my various relationships, the ups and the downs and I feel like I took a lot of you with me on the journey to where I am now.
Where I am now is the happiest I have ever been, I can be openly me, the submissive masochistic girl from London to my sister, all of our scene friends (of which I now have many) and even to some of my more open minded vanilla friends. I’ve made peace with past demons including some that I’d buried very deep inside myself. Fiona has moulded me into the person she wants me to be, but also into the person I want to be and I’ll never be able to express how grateful I am to her for that.
In January of last year, 2018, Mistress set me some goals to complete and at the beginning of this year I promised an update on those, so here goes:
Submit to a permanent body modification of my choosing
This was completed and then some! Miss had my nipples tattooed with hearts around them and pierced my septum. I also have a tattoo on my lower abdomen which is a heart which incorporates an F and finally I now have a Christina piecing.
Spend four weeks in chastity
This one unfortunately never happened, however this was more down to Mistress than me and she freely admitted as much and gave me a pass on it.
Contact and make peace with the person who caused her to leave London
This absolutely happened and I did write about it. This one has actually had quite a profound effect on my life and I have become, not friends but friendly with the person in question and she actually comes to me for advice quite often.
Give an orgasm to 52 people that she hadn’t met before 2018
The final tally was:
1 dildo gag
1 oral, anal & vaginal
Speak to her mother every other day
I didn’t literally speak to her every day but I did keep a note of when I did and I surpassed called her on 50% of the days of the year which was good enough for Mistress. And my relationship with my mother has never been better.
Achieve an average daily views count of 500 on this blog
In 2018 I got 138,266 views on my blog, which is a staggering 52,747 more than the previous highest year I have had but still way below what was needed to achieve 500 views per day.
Buy a new house with me (Mistress)
This absolutely happened and we have spent the last few months turning it into a home, our home and we are loving it. Work on the dungeon begins in a few months.
Have her septum pierced
This happened, I now have a permanent hole in my septum, sometimes Mistress has me wear a ring in it, sometimes she uses it to attach a least, sometimes she puts a padlock in it and sometimes, she has that padlock attached to something or someone else!
Experience Domming a submissive
This didn’t really happen, it sort of did in that I tried it but it was highly unsuccessful and Mistress allowed me to stop before it got to cringy. It did give me a better understanding of what it is like to be the “top” in this sort of relationship though, I didn’t like it!
Achieve two of her fantasies
This was completed, I spent a weekend with a trans person and also recreated a scene from torture galaxy where my nipples were nailed to a wooden board and then skewers were pushed through my tits, then more skewers were pushed vertically through my pussy lips and electrified.
Fully expose her lifestyle to at least one person who has known her in real life for more than five years
There are actually two of my vanilla friends who are aware of how I live my life and the full extent of my relationship with Mistress. They don’t know any gory details but they know I am submissive, am a masochist and am controlled in certain ways my my partner. It hasn’t affected my relationship with them one bit.
Exceed her current “most painful torture”
This tied in with the Torture Galaxy scene, having skewers vertically through my pussy lips was absolute agony, much worse that through my tits which I’d had done before albeit a long time ago.
All in all I think I did a good job with those goals in 2018, I didn’t achieve them all but I did most and learn something from each and every one of them which Mistress said was the aim of them in the first place so she had no complaints on my performance. Although that didn’t mean I didn’t get punished for each one I failed on which made for a fun New Years Eve!
Something else that I have put quite a lot of work into it The Fet Library which is my fetish erotic story site. The site has been steadily growing in weekly visitors and I even paid for a little advertising to test the waters (didn’t seem to make much difference to visitor numbers to be honest). There are forums there and the site now has a twitter account where it will post details of new stories as they are published. Please check it out, register and enjoy. I’d love it if more people started using the forums there.
So, his will likely not be the last time I post something on this blog but this is the end of me posting about my kink related activities. I feel like I have given a lot of myself here and it is time to focus on just living my new life with my new wife (her look at that I’m a pet and didn’t know it!) so that is what I am going to do. If I have anything interesting to talk about I might drop in an post something but for now this is it.
If you want to get in touch with me the best way is probably through FetLife (painslutlois) which I log onto at least once a week but please don’t just friend me without saying hello first as I won’t reply.
Thank you so much to everyone who has kept coming back to read my poorly spelled posts and interacted with me over the years. This blog and by extension you guys have saved me and kept me going so many times when I was struggling with myself, life and everything really and I will be eternally grateful for that. I wish you all well for the future and hope to speak with you on FetLife or The Fet Library soon.
I tend to write posts about my general life or about specific sessions or scenes that Mistress and I have but today I thought I’d write about a few different, smaller things that Mistress does just to torment me, just because it’s fun.
Once or twice a month Miss has to travel for work, it’s only usually for one night, sort of midday until the next afternoon depending on where she is going, usually a European city. One time she decided that I should stay in the house while she was away and she decided to ensure that I would do so.
About ten minutes before her car picked up her up she produced my locking butt plug, two padlocks and a very long length of metal chain. She took me to the post at the bottom of the stairs and had me pass one end of the chain around it and lock it together with one of the padlocks. Then she had me bend over on the stairs and after using my pussy to lube up the plug she pushed it into me.
A couple of side notes here, firstly my pussy is almost always wet and is nearly the sole source of lubricant for us. Secondly, even closed this plug is quite big and is painful to take, when opened up it feels like you have a football in your ass!
After opening the plug she put the lock onto it and attached the other end of the chain to it and so I was attached by a fifteen metre chain to the post at the bottom of the stairs. There was no discussion about it and I knew better than to question or plead with Miss about it, ten minutes later she was gone.
This wasn’t a major torture although having something that large and heavy in your ass for a long time is quite distracting, it was more of an inconvenience having to trail the chain around with me whenever I wanted to move around the house and sitting in my office chair was a bit uncomfortable but I did have several video meetings whilst I was chained.
That was a fairly mild version of this. Another time is was much more challenging when I was attached in the same way but with a much shorter chain. My wrists were cuffed and attached to a chain that went between my legs and also attached to the plug. I could really move from the bottom of the stairs for just under forty-eight hours.
I was left with a large bowl of water which was too big to lift with my bound hands so I could only lap at the water, a metal dog bowl and a few cans of dog food and a PAYG mobile phone because she wanted to be able to talk to me but not for me to sit there on youtube or tumblr.
It was a bit uncomfortable and the dog food was disgusting but other than that it was just really boring! The highlights were when she called a few times, when the post man came and I got to read the mail and when the paper she had arranged to be delivered arrived, although it was The Sun (a terrible tabloid) which she found the most hilarious part!
Although I am quite a healthy person in that I do plenty of exercise I’m not so good at looking after myself in terms of what I eat and drink, although it has improved since I started cooking for Miss Fiona because she likes to eat healthy and I eat what she wants.
Anyway, to help with this Mistress started to leave me a bottle out in the morning with real, not from concentrate!, fruit juice in it and there was an unspoken understanding that I should ensure it was finished before the end of work, one of my five a day!
This was fine for a couple of months until one day I was in the office and took a drink of my “apple juice”, it was not apple juice and in my surprise I almost spat it out onto my desk. Morning pee is not quite as sweet and tasty as apple juice.
Just like before, nothing was mentioned about this, my bottle was empty when I got home and the next day I had some pineapple juice in it. This happens every now and again, sometimes it is subtle and I hardly notice it, my mango juice is just a bit “off” that day due to Mistresses added ingredient.
About three weeks ago I had a long day of meetings including two with clients and one with the partners of my firm. I had complained to Mistress the evening before that it was going to be a very long and boring day.
Mistress needed to be at work early that day so she left whilst I was still in the shower and it was only after I’d get dried and done my makeup that I went to my underwear drawer and found it empty apart from a pair of latex dildo panties.
The dildo was pretty huge and gave me a very full feeling once I was wearing them. I put on my suit and looked completely normal apart from the blush in my cheeks. I had to practice walking in them for a little while so that I looked completely normal and then I went on with my boring day with my pussy full of rubber.
When I got home I was immensely horny, when the panties came off they had a pool of juices in them and Mistress immediately had me kneel and spread my legs for her. Her fingers felt amazing on my puffy swollen pussy and I actually believed I would get relief right up until she ruined my orgasm and I was left panting and moaning and horny.
The final thing I wanted to recount is when Mistress announced recently that she had booked me a spa treatment as a surprise for “being such a good girl”. I’m not a little but it does give me a lovely feeling when she speaks to me like that.
I arrived at the appointment ready for a massage or a facial and happily announced my name to the receptionist. She replied with a slightly odd smile and said “Oh yes, for the intimate peel?”, my eyes narrowed as thoughts of what that could mean swirled through my mind and I nodded.
There was a consultation first where the woman explained the procedure to me and then she left while I got undressed from the waist down and hopped up onto the table on all fours.
It was somehow even worse than being in this situation in a sexual context, she spread my ass cheeks and applied an ointment all around my ass hole then told me to stay put for ten minutes and then she would come back and “clean me up”, it was mortifying!
Anyway, that is all just some of the random stuff that goes on in my day-to-day life and I must admit I do love it. I love the unexpectedness of it and feeling of being controlled that she keeps present in me even when doing random mundane tasks. She is truly an evil genius of a dominant.