A new venture

I got back from a holiday in Portugal with Mistress a couple of days ago which is why I haven’t posted in a while. I could have posted while I was away but decided to just relax, in fact I spent a full four days whilst there without wearing any clothing at all, it’s quite liberating!

I like to read and specifically I like to read BDSM stories which is what got me into writing my own. From the very early days of my exploring BDSM I did this on a website called bdsmlibrary.com which I am sure many of you will be familiar with. What you may not know is that new stories have only been added there once since April 2017 and that it doesn’t look like the site will be maintained any longer.

I was quite dismayed to discover this as that site was a staple for my entire adult life and a great outlet for many talented BDSM writers out there. There are lots of comments on the forums about the seeming abandonment of the site and I have tried to contact the owner through various channels with no response.

So I decided that I would try and carry the torch of bdsmlibrary myself and set up a new site that caters for just the “stories” part of that site, i.e. not all the other commercial stuff that is on there. I did talk about this on the bdsmlibrary forums but that got me a swift lifetime ban from the forums which I am quite upset about as I was only trying to help the community and a few people were quite receptive to the idea.

The new site is currently under construction which may take a little while as my coding skills are very out of date (it’s years since I did any) and it is quite a lot of work, I’ve mentioned before that I am very busy haven’t I?! Mistress thinks I am crazy for taking on the project but I think it is something I could really give back to a community who really helped me through some lonely and unfulfilling times in my life.

The site will be called The Fet Library and I will update you when it starts to take shape as I will need as much help as possible to get the word out and get people using the site.

That’s all for now, Lo xx

In the works

I started a new story that I’ve been planning out in my head for a while today, let me know what you think of the setup for it. I have a definite plan of where this story is going which is a first for me, I usually just make them up as I go along and then have to go and work out any problems afterwards.

Anyway, comments are welcome as on all my posts!


Sarah slipped the key into the lock and opened the large wooden door, stepping off the street into the expensive London home of one of her employers. She knew the house well, she had been coming here on and off for the last eight years, originally as the Turner’s babysitter and now as their cleaner.

It wasn’t a huge house, the Turner’s were wealthy but not rich by any means, they were comfortable enough to have the cleaning service that Sarah worked for around once a week to tidy and clean the house whilst they were at work.

Sarah liked to clean the kitchen and bathrooms first as they were most difficult so she set to work on them. She tied her long brown hair into a tight pony tail to keep it out of her face and then slipped off her shoes, jeans and jumper. Underneath her street clothes she wore some tight little denim shorts and a little vest top, she found them much more comfortable to work in and it meant her normal clothes kept clean, plus there was no one there to see her so what did it matter? She slipped on her croc shoes and got to work.

Once the those dirty jobs were out-of-the-way she headed up the to the master bedroom to collect the laundry, she’d let the cycle run while she cleaned the bedrooms. When she opened the laundry basket there was a skimpy black lingerie thong lying on the top of the pile and for some reason rather than tipping the basket out so she could sort them into colours and whites she picked up the thong.

In her twenty-five years she’d never owned expensive lingerie like this, it wasn’t that she couldn’t afford it, her wage wasn’t amazing but it allowed her to live the way she wanted without depending on anyone. Sarah moved in front of the mirror and held the underwear in front of her crotch, it looked like it would fit her.

She smiled to herself and turned to throw the garment back into the basket but as she did she caught the scent of something she hadn’t smelt in a long while. She picked the thong back up, brought it to her face and inhaled, the pungent scent of cum and pussy filled her nostrils.

Sarah felt the warmth begin to grow between her legs and she moved the ball of black lace closer to her face until it touched her nose and then she quickly jerked it away, it was cold, and wet. An urge overtook her and before she knew it the crotch of the thong was in her mouth and she sucked on it filling her mouth with the taste of cock and what she imagined pussy tasted like and she desperately wanted to unbutton her shorts and touch herself.

Unbidden the faces of the Turner’s flashed before her eyes and she let the lace fall from her mouth as her face flushed and shame overwhelmed her. She quickly threw the underwear into the basket and picked the whole thing up to take to the laundry room.

Despite the uncomfortable warmth and wetness in her own underwear she tried to push the thought of what she’d done out of her mind and concentrated on finishing the cleaning. The last thing she did before leaving was put away the now washed, dried and ironed laundry, she left the lady of the house’s underwear until last. She put the pile of underwear away, the black lacy thong on top and left the house eager to get home and release some of obviously pent-up frustrations in front of her computer.

Control and Humiliation

ControlHumiliation

There are two “feelings” that I enjoy a lot, well I say enjoy but what I really mean is love/crave/NEED otherwise I start to feel…I don’t know how to describe it….”wrong”. Those two feelings are the feeling of being controlled by another person and the feel of humiliation.

Control

Mistress controls me in a multitude of ways, there are rules that I must follow all the time and there are jobs that I must attend to so that she doesn’t have to. For instance there is a rule that I must always wear lingerie no matter where I’m going or what I’m doing because she wants me to be “dressed for sex” 24/7 and I do all of the housework and cooking because she decided that she wanted domestic service to be one of the roles I perform for her.

Those are examples of overt ways in which she controls my actions and my appearance but she also controls my behaviour. I don’t mean that she micromanages every interaction I have and friends and colleagues would hardly notice it but through her training my behaviour has definitely changed, especially when I am around her.

I think in general it can be characterised by being more aware of myself, more aware of how I am sitting, how my body is positioned, where I am sitting and also what comes out of my mouth versus what my brain is thinking. I’m not saying I didn’t pay attention to these things before but it feels sort of heightened now, she has altered the way my brain operates in very subtle ways.

I love all of this, I love that she has moulded me to be what she wants from what I wear to what I do and even to how I think. She has influenced every part of my being and I adore her for it, it is everything a Dominant should be. I know any people just want to be a dominant that disciplines a slave and concentrates on the S&M side of things and I used to be very much about that side but this relationship, this deepness of control is what I now realise I have craved all of my life. The fact that I am a masochist and she is a sadist are just icing on the cake!

However, all of the above is now just a part of my everyday life, there is one other aspect that is more noticeable to me and it gets my pussy pulsing every time. When I became her full-time submissive I gave up the usernames and passwords to all of my online systems, iCloud, iMessage, WhatsApp, Email, Tumblr, WordPress, Fetlife, CollarSpace…literally everything, her finger print is even registered on my phone. And if I sign up for something, no matter what it is, I add the details to a system that she controls. I can view and add to it but I can’t delete anything from it (not that I would).

The upshot of this is that if you have messaged me, emailed me, whatever, there is a possibility she has read it. I’m not saying she spends every night trawling through my messages but I do know she looks at them from time to time and reads anything that piques her interest. I have absolutely no privacy from her whatsoever.

The main “system” that she uses and that turns me on though is Find My Friends. I share my location with her but she doesn’t reciprocate and the way she uses it I absolutely love. Once it was set up she never mentioned it again, I’ve never seen her on it and she doesn’t ring me up and tell me she knows where I am or anything like that but I know she watches me.

It comes out in a very indirect way, for instance this lunch time I went to a coffee shop with two colleagues and about thirty seconds after I entered, whilst still queuing, I got a text from her telling me what to order. My insides were clenching up as I ordered exactly what she’d told me and when I got it I sent her a snapchat of it with just a little heart as a response, she texted “Good girl” and that was it.

It was just a small exchange but the implications are huge, she knew I’d left work for lunch, which I do at a random time whenever I am ready, and she knew where I’d gone for lunch. It’s weird, for a vanilla person it would be a huge invasion of privacy but for me all I got was a nice warm protected feeling and wet knickers.

Humiliation

This is not the same as embarrassment at all, I really dislike feeling embarrassed. I don’t like to be laughed at or feel like I am the brunt of some joke, I was bullied at school to some degree (nothing major) and embarrassment brings back those feelings of being excluded and ridiculed which is not something that turns me on.

Embarrassment is when someone sticks something on your back and everyone knows and laughs about it except you, I think it being non-consensual is a big part of it. Humiliation is different, for me at lease, humiliation is allowing something to happen that brings you feelings of shame.

I’ve been naked in front of strangers more times than I can count but I still get that feeling every single time. I still blush, feel the need to avert my gaze and always, always feel that warmth growing between my legs. Mistress knows exactly how to push my buttons and she has this thing that she likes to do in these situations where I am meeting someone for the very first time. She doesn’t do it every time, that would make it predictable, but often enough that I am always nervous that it is coming.

First she introduces me and it is quite normal, a shaken hand or a kiss on the cheek, that sort of thing. Then she will explain that I am her submissive, that I obey what she tells me to do. Bare in mind I don’t know the other person and have no idea if they are in the scene, just aware of the scene or are completely vanilla unless we are in a context that would give it away.

Miss knows a lot of people and we visit her friends and acquaintances quite often, I don’t know in advance if these are vanilla meetings or not, sometimes we have a cup of tea and discuss politics, sometimes I kneel naked and nose-to-nose with a complete stranger, it keeps things interesting.

Anyway, so after introductions she will tell me to undress in some way or another, remove my top of dress or jeans. She never does it for me, that would activate my submissiveness and I would be straight into that mode whereby I let her do whatever she wants with me and she is my entire world. No, she has me do it myself so that I feel the awkwardness of someone I don’t know watching me expose my body, first in my underwear and then inevitably my modified breasts and then my hairless pussy.

It doesn’t end there though, invariably I will be told to “present” a particular part of my body. These are positions which Mistress has taught me and drilled me on until I do them perfectly. For example, if I am told to present my mouth I kneel, up with my knees shoulder width apart, wrists crossed behind the small of my back, head tilted back and mouth open.

Other examples are “display your breasts” which involves pushing my chest out and cupping my breasts whilst turning my head to the side and the more humiliating “present your pussy” whereby I must stand with my legs spread quite wide, arms folded behind my back and sort of thrust my groin out at the person. That one is humiliating because it is just a bizarre position to put your body in, it is lewd, but also because my pussy is almost always glistening with wetness.

The final one is the one I find the most humiliating and therefore possibly the biggest turn on. “Present your ass” involves bending at the waist with legs spread, gripping my ass cheeks and pulling them apart to expose my asshole. I don’t know why but there is something deeply intimate about your asshole and pulling your cheeks apart to display it, feeling the air on it and knowing someone is looking at it is very humiliating for me and doing this in front of anyone, especially a stranger is a huge, horrible, turn on for me.

I say horrible because that’s what it is. I don’t know how this works for other people but for me there is a definite love/hate sort of situation going on with this side of my desires. I love it because I hate it. Inwardly I cringe every time I have to do something like this and parts of my brain scream at me not to degrade myself like this but it’s the fact that I am unable to “normalise” it that maintains the attraction I think.

In other news…

Mistress found a new “cane” that she intends to use on me. It is a long and very thin metal …erm, stick, I suppose. I don’t know where she got it but it looks wicked and is going to sting so much! Here it is resting on a butt plug, no reason other than it was what I had to hand:

IMG_1504

Updates

Septum

Sorry that it has been a while since I’ve written properly, I actually have loads to write about but have really struggled to find time in the last few weeks. Thank you to Mistress for writing, what I found to be, an interesting post on one of the methods she uses to train me, I hope you enjoyed it too.

So for this post I wanted to give you a few updates and then hopefully later in the week I’ll have another post lined up finishing off something I was telling you about a few weeks back, the dinner party.

First off I have achieved another of my goals for 2018! Can you guess which one? If you guessed a septum piercing them you get ten points, This is something which I have wanted to get for a long time but have been reluctant to do so because I didn’t want it to impact my every day appearance because of work etc.

I didn’t want the piercing for aesthetic reasons, I do think they look good on certain people but I don’t think it is something that would particularly complement my public image. No I wanted one purely for the BDSM aspect of it, I think having a ring in your nose is extremely sexy for a submissive and I’m definitely turned on by the idea of being led around by it or restrained by it.

So this weekend Mistress and I visited a reputable piercing studio and a lovely girl named Kate pierced it for me. The pain really wasn’t much, a bit like if you get knocked in the nose and it made me want o sneeze, or feel like I did anyway. Kate put a horse shoe shaped piece of jewellery in and after showing me how it looked (it’s definitely not something I’d wear visible in normal life) she folded it up for me and it is completely invisible. I walked out looking exactly as I did before which was weird but good.

Since it was done it has felt a bit itchy at times but the main issue is that I’m not supposed to touch it but can’t help myself and Mistress has to keep telling me how unattractive it is to have my fingers in my nose! She is definitely right but I’m not really doing it consciously, in fact I was just doing it now while I was thinking of what to write next!

So that’s the first bit of news, the second is that we have found a buyer for Mistresses house and are edging toward completion on the purchase of our new home together. It takes forever to buy a house but hopefully it won’t be too much longer before we can move in and start renovating it including building our dream dungeon! Once this all goes through that will be another goal checked off the list.

A while back I put up a poll so I could see who was actually reading my blog, unsurprisingly the majority are dominant males but it was actually less of a “dominant lead” then I thought it would be. 42% of people who responded were Doms whilst the next biggest group male switches with 18% and then third was female submissives with 14%. There were 417 votes cast so I think it is a good representation of my readership. I’m sure that’s of no interest to most of you but I found it interesting!

If you have read my about me page and the post referenced there you will know about my troubles from the past. The female friend who I drunkenly slept with, shared intimate details of my sexuality and lifestyle with, who then betrayed me by exposing all of my secrets to all of our group of friends, some of whom where work colleagues.

This was the worst time of my life and a time when I seriously considered taking my own life. Most of my friends stopped talking to me, not “officially” but they stopped returning my calls and answering my messages with more than a few words. The girl who I’d slept with broke all contact with me and I felt like all of my colleagues at work knew all about me as well because some of my (former) friends worked there. I’ve no idea if they did know or not but that is sort of irrelevant when you think they do.

I retreated into myself, stopped going out or doing anything and spent a lot of time crying. I bought pills and knives to end things but never had the courage to go through with it. Then in one of my stronger moments I looked for and found a job outside of London and left my home to start a new life basically.

It was the best thing I could have done, I got a good job where I’ve progressed, I (eventually) found love and I am more open about my life then I have ever been. I didn’t tell my former friends I was leaving London and have never been in contact with any of them, until now.

Through some colleagues I know in London I managed to get hold of contact details for the girl who ruined my life. This was some time ago and it took me a long time to work out what to say when I contacted her but eventually I wrote her an email.

In it I said to her that I wanted to get back in touch as I have reached a point in my life where I want to confront what happened with her as I, and my partner, believe that it still has an effect on me. I honestly didn’t expect a reply but a few days later I got one, a long one!

I’m not going to post any of our communications but the gist of what she said in that first email is that she is deeply sorry for what she did. She said that she couldn’t justify it in any way but that she was young and stupid and scared. She was scared of what we did, confused about what it meant about her own sexuality and freaked out by the “other stuff” that I’d told her about.

She said that she only told a couple of the other girls about my being gay and into BDSM and that she didn’t know why she did it. In hindsight, she said, maybe it was to deflect any focus on herself if I revealed what we’d done together. Apparently one of the other girls told her boyfriend who immediately told the other guys in the group and then everyone knew.

She claims to not have been disgusted or “judgy” of those things although a lot of the others definitely were and she didn’t feel she could speak against them. She only avoided me because she was ashamed and couldn’t face me. She claimed she was devastated when I just disappeared.

When I first read her email I was angry, really angry, it came across as her trying to find justification for her actions but after talking through it with Miss I began to see it in a different light. I think she was a very confused, weak and shallow person when it all happened and that’s what she was trying to justify.

I replied and told her my story, how it felt to be ostracised just for being myself and sharing that with someone I thought I could trust. How it felt to be alone and pushed out by all of my friends and feeling unable to work through paranoia and depression. I really let it all out being very honest about what she did to me, it felt good but I still felt guilty sending it, Mistress pushed me to do so but left it my decision.

It took longer for the reply to come than it had the first time. She said that she had cried reading my message, that she felt truly ashamed of her younger self and wished she could take all that hurt back from me. Her message made me cry too.

We arranged to meet up but for various reasons that didn’t happen until recently and it was truly awkward. The last time I’d seen her we were falling asleep in each other arms so meeting up in a coffee shop after all these years was just very bizarre. She was already there when I arrived and got up when I approached her table, neither of us knew how to greet each other but ended up in a brief hug.

She had obviously rehearsed a speech because she basically vomited it at me as soon as we sat down, she was obviously very nervous but for some reason I wasn’t at all. She said that she wished she could take back what happened but that she can’t and that it had a huge effect on her life as well.

As it turns out she was married but is divorced, why is she divorced? Because she didn’t love her husband and then she thought she fell in love with a work colleague, a female work colleague. Nothing happened between them other than them becoming very close and she started to have feelings for this woman. She still seems to be a very confused person which I can understand, I struggled with my sexuality when I was younger and it can be difficult, especially if you aren’t a strong person.

The upshot of all of this is that I have forgiven her for what she did to me, I felt genuine remorse from her when we met and I felt like it is something that has weighed on her conscience for as long as it has weighed on me. I am happy now though whilst she is still struggling with a lot of things and it felt good to remove this weight from both of us. Also I’ve been way more successful than her career-wise!

In other news my Mistress has set my sister up with a submissive guy and I don’t even know where to start with that!

Oh and, so excited…

HaloInfinite

Hiatus

Hiatus

I really wanted to write this week but things have just been crazy and unfortunately I haven’t got round to it so my apologies, I have a post that is half finished and I know Miss is working on something that she wanted to talk about on here but no spoilers. I’ve also got a sequel story that I want to get finished and posted so lots of stuff in the pipeline, just none of it quite ready yet.

Thank you for all the ideas I was sent following the post about our new basement dungeon, so far the ideas I definitely want to try and implement are:

  • Headbox
    This would be attached to ceiling with a screen or VR headset inside, the Dominant would have a camera which they could hold or wear on their head. The idea is that the sub is completely helpless and in sensory deprivation but they can see what the Dominant is going to do or is doing to them, I think it would be an awesome head fuck.
  • Adjustable St Andrews Cross
    We have spoken to an engineer and I think they can create the mechanism to make the cross adjustable with the sub strapped to it but it is going to be expensive and then it will need finishing with nice polished wood etc. I think it will happen but maybe not immediately.
  • Spanking Machine
    This is 100% happening, we know where we can get one so it will be on order once we have the remodelling of the basement done.

We’re still considering other things, for instance do we need a bed in there? My feeling is it will take up a lot of room and the room is for playing not for sex, we can do that in our bedroom.

Anyway, that’s all for now, I’m away with work for a few days but should be able to get a proper post our late next week, talk to you then!

Basement

Dungeon

One of my 2018 goals was to buy a house with Mistress and we have been looking for some time to find the perfect house. It had to be the perfect one as this is the house we intend to spend the rest of our lives in, it isn’t just a stepping stone to something else.

One of the major requirements for this was that it have a large basement because both Mistress and I have always wanted a fully kitted out dungeon in our home. It is surprisingly hard to find urban housing in the UK with a large basement and we were only looking at a small area. We found a few and looked at them but the houses and their basements were too small for what we wanted so we kept looking.

Eventually we found what we wanted, it is a beautiful detached house with a huge basement with a tall ceiling. Apparently the house was built with a basement and then one of the previous owners dug it out even more which is why it has so much headroom which is important for what we intend to use it for.

Unfortunately the house is very expensive and also needs a lot of work doing to it, the basement especially is not currently suitable for anything other than storage. After much negotiation and raiding of savings though we have made an offer and it has been accepted. It is very exciting and also scary, it is way more money than I have ever borrowed or spent on anything ever!

Anyway, that is all just background to this post which is actually about our plans for the underground play room. We have all seen dungeons with the kinds of furniture seen in the picture above and we like all of that but we want our room to have unique pieces of furniture suited to our tastes.

So firstly, I wondered if there is anyone amongst my readership who is involved in building custom dungeon furniture or knows of anyone who is? It would need to be of a high quality and to whatever specifications and designs we come up with.

Secondly I wanted to invite the devious minds who read my blog to suggest some items that we could have built to go in there. We may use your design or combine it with other or our own ideas for things to be used on me when we get the dungeon up and running. You can either describe the idea in detail or draw it and put it in the comments on here or on tumblr. I’m looking for ideas for large and small items or basically anything we can have made that is versatile and reusable, we don’t want to pay for anything to be made that’ll we maybe use once or twice.

My ideas so far are…

A fixture on the wall which can take a wooden pole, a pointed wooden pony type attachment, a spiked pole or electrified one. The idea being I would be tied to the wall on my tip toes with some sort of torture device fixed between my (or someone else’s) legs. It’s better than just a normal wooden pony because you can change the torture and add new ones later on.

A St. Andrews cross but that is adjustable in various ways. One that is can be moved and laid flat so it is like a table that you can be restrained to and also the cross can be changed so that rather than an X shape it is more of a + shape. Basically it means spreading the subs legs much wider once they have been strapped into it. Also the X would be extendable from the point where the limbs are bound meaning it can work for various heights of sub plus the sub can be stretched once bound. The mechanisms would need to be fairly strong and not flimsy so that the cross would stay how the dominant wants it.

Some sort of automated whipping/paddling/caning machine.The idea being I could be strapped in to a chair or something, or strap myself in (but not be able to unstrap myself) and a device would administer corporate punishment to various parts of my body. Ideally this would be controlled remotely via an app or something but that might be too complicated.

Anyway, ideas on a post card to my comments area or any contact method you choose please!