Talking to “Dom(me)s”

Prepare for a little bit of a rant here, I’ve got a bit of a bee in my bonnet about this at the moment!

A disclaimer first, this isn’t intended to offend anyone, the people that I talk to on chat and email I talk to because I enjoy interacting with them and it is the only real interaction with the BDSM community that I get so I do treasure it dearly.

However, when talking to a Dominant my natural position is not to expect to be spoken to like an equal, and not just if they’re my Dominant but any Dominant. They don’t need to be rude or disrespectful, I just expect to feel their dominance when I speak to them! Maybe I am asking too much from an online conversation.

My point isn’t about physical things either, telling me to do things, it’s nice but it isn’t my point! It’s more just generally about how Dominant’s speak to me online. I expect to be told what to do and I will do it because I’m a sub (within reason!). If you want my opinion, don’t ask for it, tell me to give it and tell me to stop when I go on too much. It doesn’t have to be rude, just to the point “OK, you can stop now”.

Kayleigh used to stop me in the middle of a story just by holding her finger up because she’d heard enough, or she would tell me to divulge some intimate detail and I just would because she told me to. She never asked me to do anything, she told me to do things. She said please and thank you but there was never any doubt about whether I had a choice about it.

It also isn’t about me being the persons sub, it is just about the FACT that I am a sub and they are a Dominant. It is like the difference between middle class and upper class in olden times. It just IS and everybody acts appropriately.

As I’m writing this I’m thinking I’m probably going to get slated for it but it’s what I’ve been thinking so I might as well put it out there, I’m perfectly happy for people to disagree and have a conversation about it. In fact I’d be very interested to read what people have to say, both Dominants and subs.

13 thoughts on “Talking to “Dom(me)s”

  1. I agree with you
    . You are a sub so if I was chatting with you ,then you would know ever so gently where your place is. I never insult a sub , just treat her as a sub — if a dom can truly understand his sub she will be willing to do and show her all for him
    A true Dom will have a sub thinking of ” her Dom” all the time. She will dream about him.
    However a Dom to a sub cannot be a Dom to her unless she chooses to give herself to him

  2. There could probably be a lengthy debate on the subject. I think different people have different approaches in what they are looking for. Personally I try to make a point of being perfectly polite in online conversations, because things like sarcastic humor and dominance can just come across as dickish through text alone. It’s also been my experience that, at least at first, submissive girls on the Internet tend to be pretty cautious, and understandably so. After at least a few conversations, then I’d start getting a little more firm and direct in terms of asking questions and steering the conversation. If a girl is more submissive in her conversations from the beginning though, it does tend to bring out the dominant side more quickly.

  3. I think whynot has the right approach. It’s such a tricky balance. I’ve gotten very frustrated – both online and IRL – with dom/mes who will back off or start getting very solicitous because they’re afraid they’re pushing my limits, when they’re not even in the same time zone yet :-).(To be fair, like Lo, when I’m in sub mode my limits are a fair bit more extreme than most people’s, lol;) OTOH, someone whose first contact with me is “Get on your knees and suck my dick, Slave!” or somesuch is an instant delete. For me to submit to *you* means you’ve shown yourself worthy of literally putting my life in your hands – meaning you’re not an asshole and you’re trustworthy and (when appropriate) respectful, but you’re also clearly willing to take charge and are good at it. If I know you well enough to entrust you with me, I expect you to know and respect my limits – and that I, as the sub, don’t need to guide you through that conversation.

    If either IRL or online I’m putting myself out there as a sub, it’s pretty obvious that I want you to take charge at some point, and that you have an idea how to get us to that point. But I also don’t want to get the vibe that I’m taking the risk of winding up under your patio. And, of course, male and female, different subs have different approaches, desires, and expectations for that process – but that’s fine. A good dom/me is emotionally intelligent enough to be attuned to the person s/he has control over – and if you can’t adjust to the different needs and comfort levels of different people, you’re probably not what I’m looking for!

  4. I tend to agree with you, if you’ve identified yourself as a sub to a Dom(me) then you are stating how you would like to be treated. But having said that,it doesnt make them your Dom(me) and they need to respect that as well.

  5. Why do you believe you might be slated for stating such a simply truth?

    On first meeting, a Dom should be respectful, but you should be in no doubt about what He is, and act appropriately.

    The briefest encounter with a Dom, should have your mind thinking of the things He would do to you. His words, should seep into your mind, and affect you physically.

    Any one can bark out orders, a Dom doesn’t need to, His softly spoken words give you no choice but to Obey.

    But you already know this.

    1. Same thing for Dommes. My LTR partner is a total control freak. The best way to live with her, even if it were a totally vanilla relationship, is just to do exactly as she wants, always. And she has great judgement – it’s almost always the right thing to do anyway.

      THAT’S a good dom/me in a nutshell. It has nothing to do with force (though for some of us that’s a nice bonus, lol) and everything to do with someone who not only assumes their primacy and your respect, but continually earns it. Otherwise, they’re just an asshole. 🙂

  6. Well it seems to have brought out some opinions so hopefully my little rant was a positive one!

    I think my point, in a nutshell, was that if you’re a Dominant I expect to feel like you are when I speak to you. Not because you immediately tell me to stick something up my arse and call me a slut but because it is simply how you are.

  7. I agree with most comments. When I talk to a sub or order something I’m polite but firm. You ‘will’ do what is ordered without complaint. I believe in looking after ‘all’ of my sub’s needs and there is a hidden knowledge of the relationship.

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